It’s that time of year again, where we give. And get. If I were a better person, I’d list here all the wonderful ways to give. But I’m not a “better person.” I’m barely your average good person. So instead, I’ve decided to post my wish list. Just in case anyone’s looking to please me.
I won’t bother putting the really big things I want for the world (like no more war or roofs for everyone or easier air travel or the absence of abuse and violence, especially towards children). No, this is my totally selfish list. For me and me only. And so here goes, in no particular order:
1. A personal chef. The gods had a good old laugh when it came to me and my talents. It is utter cruelty that someone who loves to eat as much as I do has such difficulty making dinner. Life would be good if I could just eat and leave the cooking to someone who can.
2. For my children to go to bed without giving me a hard time. That’s it. I’d just like to be able to read a story, give a kiss and know they will brush their teeth and get on pyjamas without acting like it’s the apocalypse.
3. To find white popcorn in Geneva. Yellow’s good. But white popcorn is better.
4. For cellulite to be sexy. (No comment.)
5.To be a flamenco dancer. I look ridiculous in ruffles and polka dots. So what? I’d give anything to be able to dance this from the gut. Next to writing, it’s the only thing I’d ever want to do for a living.
6. Three extra hours a day. I’d be freaking superwoman if I had three extra hours to do what I’m not using the regular 24 for.
7. Some exercise/computer/writing contraption that allows me to burn calories while sitting on my butt in front of the keyboard. Preferably one that works but doesn’t make me sweat.
8. A waterbed. I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck when I wake up in the morning. I had a waterbed when I was 19 and I miss it. But I believe those things are illegal in apartments. Crap. Then I will need —
9. A house. But only if it comes with a gardener and maid service. Otherwise, it’s not worth it just to hold my waterbed.
10. For my books to be best-sellers! I’m hoping to get Untethered out there in March. And I’m hoping to get the next one out not long after that. This wish is something you can help me attempt. Just buy my books when they come out and tell every single person you know to buy them, too. Simple, right? You will know in your heart what a good and wonderful person you are for giving me a hand. Think of all the warm fuzzies you’ll get from that. Ahem.
Happy holidays. I hope you get everything on your wish list. And if you don’t? Oh, well. There’s always next year. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.